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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23047651">love me, love me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovemarket/pseuds/lovemarket'>lovemarket</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>stillness in woe [22]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Feelings Realization, M/M, More Than 5 Though, Pining, Rejection, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 05:41:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,123</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23047651</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovemarket/pseuds/lovemarket</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Falling in love is easy. Falling out of it is the hard part.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Mark Lee, Mark Lee/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>stillness in woe [22]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1078545</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>love me, love me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>
  <span>it’s you (</span>
  <br/>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/5DqdesEfbRyOlSS3Tf6c29?si=kxzrxofUSkery3SwFZW6GQ">
    <span>ali gatie</span>
  </a>
  <br/>
  <span>), different (</span>
  <br/>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/5Y7a8iWIawp1QTbevGeH1V?si=5GfNUQjKRh2hY2ZdcLxZEg">
    <span>woodz</span>
  </a>
  <br/>
  <span>), everything i didn't say (</span>
  <br/>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/6s74UWM63X9K3koAfU9KUl?si=7IRsTUNXQp-3bfLXVSdP8w">
    <span>5sos</span>
  </a>
  <br/>
  <span>)</span>
</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>and you laugh.</p><p>loudly—</p><p>head tipping back.</p><p>and while your eyes are on the ceiling,</p><p>i am mouthing</p><p>something too heavy even</p><p>for this steady night to shoulder.</p><p><em>‘this is not a joke.’</em> i mouth</p><p>
  <em> ‘love me. love me.’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>Letters from Medea, Salma Deera.</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>1.</p><p> </p><p>Renjun meets Mark the same day Yukhei does and has the same reaction to the boy that Yukhei does. He’s just moved into the neighborhood and knocked on the door, no other company except a dog by his side on a leash around his wrist and a tupperware in his hands.</p><p> </p><p>“Uhm, hello.” Renjun remembers opening the door, pushing Yukhei away. He was expecting the UPS guy, not a very cute boy. If he’d have known, he wouldn’t be wearing his painting shirt and the ugliest, oldest pair of sweatpants from his drawers. Mark smiled, thrusting the tupperware into Renjun’s direction. “Hi, uhm, I’m Mark. My dad and I just moved in down the block and around the corner. We made too much at the bakery today so we’re just giving some experimental goods to our neighbors.”</p><p> </p><p>At the announcement of a bakery, Yukhei comes out from wherever he was eavesdropping. “Your dad owns a bakery?” He asks. Mark jumps a little in surprise, not expecting another person to come from out of nowhere.</p><p> </p><p>Renjun elbows Yukhei’s side, who groans at the action, yet still eyes the box with a happy expression. “I’m Renjun. This is my older idiot brother, Yukhei.”</p><p> </p><p>Mark laughs, his gaze not once leaving Yukhei’s as he takes a peek inside the plastic container. “Are these cannolis?” He exclaims, his head flying up.</p><p> </p><p>Mark nods. “Mhm. My dad needed new pastries to put in the display so I tried my hand at them.” Renjun opens his mouth to say something when Mark’s dog barks, scratching at his leg. “Gosh, I’m sorry! Chacha, stop!” Mark frowns at his dog, backing up a bit. “I guess I should finish walking her. See you around?” </p><p> </p><p>“For sure! Jun, we <em> have </em>to go to that bakery soon,” Yukhei demands, closing the door.</p><p> </p><p>Renjun knows his reasons for wanting to go are completely unrelated to Yukhei’s.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>2.</p><p> </p><p>When Mark and Yukhei get their licenses, they begin to drive to school, taking turns. Renjun has another year until he can take the test, but he does get free lessons from Yukhei, as well as free rides to school and home from both of them.</p><p> </p><p>Yukhei stays home from school and basketball due to the stomach flu, when Renjun comes to a realization he wishes he never had.</p><p> </p><p>Renjun sits in the bleachers, waiting for practice to end. He’s trying to study but it’s hard when Mark is right there, in all his jock yet also nerdy glory. The headband on his head isn’t doing a good job at pushing his hair away from his eyes and every few minutes, Mark is running his hands through his slightly sweaty hair. Usually Renjun would find this gross but he supposes that since it’s Mark, it’s kind of attractive. Gosh, he feels like Gabriella Montez.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Oh.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Oh, no. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Mark finds Renjun in the lobby when practice ends. Renjun tries his hardest to engage in the usual, friendly conversation they have when driving home but it’s different when Yukhei isn’t there. </p><p> </p><p>“You okay, Jun? You’re never this quiet,” Mark asks, sneaking a glance at him as the light turns green. Renjun’s stomach feels like flipping and flopping, butterflies are everywhere and it makes him sick. He hums, drumming his fingers on the armrest. “‘M fine,” He mutters.</p><p> </p><p>Mark removes one of his hands on the steering wheel and puts it on top of Renjun’s, halting his fingers movement. Renjun gaze falls  down at their intertwined fingers, then to Mark again, whose full attention is on the road. The older smiles, retreating his hand. “It was distracting.”</p><p> </p><p>“I-I’ll turn on the radio--” Renjun reaches to press the knob but Mark interrupts him. “You’re in the Drama Society right? Sing something.” Mark begs, causing Renjun to shake his head. A blush is burning up his neck, threatening to dust his cheeks pink as he refuses. “I can’t-” “Why not?” “Mark, I’m not-” “Good? Are you kidding? You’re amazing!”</p><p> </p><p>“Look at that, you’re already parked outside my house.” He moves to open the door but Mark locks it before Renjun can even touch the handle.</p><p> </p><p>“Mark!” He huffs, crossing his arms over his chest. The smile on Mark’s face makes his heart beat faster than it ever has. “I’ll get you to sing for me, Huang Renjun.” The door unlocks. </p><p> </p><p>“Today is not that day.” Renjun declares. Mark laughs. “One day.”</p><p> </p><p>Mark finally lets Renjun go and runs up his front porch, kicks his shoes off at the front door and retreats to his room without checking on Yukhei first. He holds a hand to his beating heart. </p><p> </p><p><em> One day </em>.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>3.</p><p> </p><p><em> One day </em>. </p><p> </p><p>Mark smiles at Renjun as they pass each other in the hallway in between classes. </p><p> </p><p>Renjun waves back.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> One day.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>After an important basketball game, Renjun is the first person Mark hugs when they win.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Not today.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Renjun overhears a conversation between Xiaojun and Yukhei.</p><p> </p><p>“When do you think I should ask Mark to prom?” </p><p> </p><p>“Championship game, for sure. He’d be so shocked, Hei! And the school would be super shocked.” </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Not tomorrow.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Renjun sits in the stands, holding the flowers he’s going to pass off to Yukhei, who will then give to Mark. He should be happy. His brother will be happy. </p><p> </p><p>The plan is executed to a tee and the entire gym is in chaos. The two star players of the basketball team, now prom dates. Yukhei is beaming. His brother is happy. The smile on Mark’s face is so big it must hurt. Mark is happy.</p><p> </p><p>That’s all that matters. Right?</p><p> </p><p><em> Not next week </em>.</p><p> </p><p>Mark is over their house to do some homework with Yukhei. Renjun decided to hole himself in his room and do fuck all until he goes downstairs for some kind of snack.</p><p> </p><p>It seems quiet until Renjun peeks his head into the doorway, looking into the living room.</p><p> </p><p>The television is on but Mark and Yukhei aren’t paying attention, stealing kisses from each other and talking quietly in their close proximity. Renjun turns around and gets his ice cream and a spoon, closing the freezer door and cutlery drawer louder than necessary. Maybe he shouldn’t have, maybe it’s a little petty of him, but he doesn’t care.</p><p> </p><p>Renjun sits on his bed for a moment. Stares at his ice cream, a million thoughts running through his mind but there’s only one that screams out to him.</p><p> </p><p><em> Not ever </em>.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>4.</p><p> </p><p>Their parents try to insist that it’s way too late for any of them to be up but none of them care because it’s almost the new year. Their friends are gathered in Mark’s basement, sunglasses with 2020 on them, silly hats and scarfs made of colorful faux feathers, topped off with  champagne glasses filled with wine unbeknownst to all their parents upstairs in the living room.</p><p> </p><p>Renjun has had one too many glasses and ended up wine drunk. He feels mellowed out and a little dizzy so he shares a bean bag with Jeno, who is equally as wine drunk. Jeno’s messing around with Donghyuck and Yangyang however, Renjun is a little spaced out, drifting in and out of conversation and his own thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>He swirls his glass, staring at the bubbly drink as it moves around. </p><p> </p><p>Mark and Yukhei are in their own little world with Xiaojun and Hendery, but the couples are clear as day. All of the conversations and sound from the television blend into each other. Yukhei says something to Mark that must be hilarious as it has him throwing his head back and laughing hard, hitting Yukhei’s arm and gasping for air between each giggle.</p><p> </p><p>Renjun licks his lips, getting rid of the residue of stickiness from the wine. He watches Mark laugh, watches as the joy subsides and the way his eyes sparkle as Mark looks at his brother. They look at each other like only they exist at that moment, everything around them falls away and it’s just the two of them against the world.</p><p> </p><p><em> Why couldn’t he love me instead </em>?</p><p> </p><p>Mark pulls Yukhei into a short kiss.</p><p> </p><p>Renjun feels dirty. It feels grimy, to be in love with his brother’s boyfriend but he can’t help imagining himself in Yukhei’s place. To stand there and be kissed by Mark, to see him and be with him in those vulnerable and intimate moments he can only dream about.</p><p> </p><p><em> Love me </em>, Renjun pleads in his head. </p><p> </p><p>Jeno pokes his side, startling him. He gives Renjun a smile, one that has the older thinking that Jeno <em> knows </em> because they have the same observant tendencies. “Let’s dance!” He exclaims, holding a hand out after standing from the bean bag. Someone is performing on the television in the middle of Times Square, some artist Renjun has never heard of but must be popular enough to be there.</p><p> </p><p>Renjun spares a glance at Mark, dancing messily with Yukhei along to the music. Renjun throws back the rest of the wine in the glass before setting it down on the coffee table they pushed out of the way to make space. He takes Jeno’s extended hand and lets himself get pulled up and onto his feet. Stumbling a bit, Jeno steadies him, his fingers drumming at Renjun’s hips as they sway.</p><p> </p><p>He squishes his face into Jeno’s chest, lets himself be consumed with the feeling of being held, the smell of Jeno’s cologne. He imagines it were Mark, leaning down and pressing a kiss onto the crown of his hair. </p><p> </p><p><em> Love me </em>.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>5.</p><p> </p><p>Mark tells Renjun a secret one day when they’re driving home. Renjun insisted on taking the bus home (Yukhei drove that morning, took the car for a doctor’s appointment) but Mark is stubborn.</p><p> </p><p>“So… I applied to an Ivy League.” Mark starts, glancing at Renjun before turning the corner.</p><p> </p><p>Renjun doesn’t really know what to say. He’d been telling Mark to apply to a bunch of ivy leagues since the older was in sophomore year. Mark is so incredibly smart, Renjun knows. If he let it go to waste by staying in state… Renjun would be mad. “Where?” He decides on asking. The distance would hurt Yukhei (him too, but he should be more concerned about his brother instead of himself). Within driving distance was safe, but a plane ride away might be a problem.</p><p> </p><p>Mark smiles, laughs a little when they get to a red light. “That’s a secret. Don’t tell anyone else, please? I don’t think I’m going to get in anyway so…” His voice drifts off.</p><p> </p><p>Renjun scoffs. “Why do you do that?”</p><p> </p><p>“Do what?” Mark sounds genuinely confused and it irks Renjun. “You downplay your achievements and your intelligence and… and just- everything!” He blurts. “Am I just supposed to let it slide? When you’re one the most hardworking, capable, and driven person I know? Fuck that.” The car is silent for a moment, only the sounds of their breathing and the low hum of the radio filling the air. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know, Jun—”</p><p> </p><p>“If there’s anyone in this damn senior class that’s going to get accepted to a fucking Ivy League, it’s <em> you, </em> Mark Lee.”</p><p> </p><p>Mark shakes his head. “You’re only saying that because we’re friends.”</p><p> </p><p><em> I’m saying it because I love you </em>. But Renjun can’t say that. “And you’re Yukhei’s boyfriend.” He points out, a painful reminder every time he thinks of Mark.</p><p> </p><p>“You won’t tell, right?” Mark asks for the third time, as he pulls up in front of Renjun’s house. Renjun bites his lip. It’s not hard for Renjun to mind his own business but shouldn’t this be something Mark and Yukhei have a conversation about? Keeping it to himself feels like betrayal towards his own blood. </p><p> </p><p>Mark pouts, “<em> Please </em>?” </p><p> </p><p>Renjun sighs. <em> Well, when he makes that face… How do I say no…? </em></p><p> </p><p>“Fine. But you have to tell him soon, or I will.” He demands, tossing his backpack over his shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>“I will, I swear. Thanks, Jun, I love you!” Mark yells out the window before driving off. Renjun laughs to himself, though it’s dry and bitter. </p><p> </p><p><em> Not in the way I want you to </em>.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>6.</p><p> </p><p>Mark commits to Cornell University. </p><p> </p><p>Renjun wants to feel happy. Cornell has been his dream college since he found a certain kind of passion (others might call it an obsession) in Physics. In his wildest dreams, Renjun will get accepted next year and he’ll be able to continue to see him. Keyword: <em> wildest </em>.</p><p> </p><p>Mark’s parents decide to throw a party. Of course, Renjun gets invited. It’s small, his closest, immediate family attend, as well as his closest friends. Renjun doesn’t really know what to do at a party like this. He’s not on the same level of friendship as Yukhei is with Xiaojun and Hendery, causing him to feel a bit out of place. Renjun can’t keep following his own parents around like a lost puppy so takes a walk around the house.</p><p> </p><p>Mark’s house is as familiar as his own. Renjun knows the hallways like the back of his hand, which stair creaks more than the other, where to step over the carpet to avoid a nail in the floorboards. </p><p> </p><p>Renjun approaches Mark’s room but it seems to be occupied, as the door is cracked. </p><p> </p><p>“Ithaca is far, you know that, right, Yukhei?” Mark’s voice drifts out into the hallway. Renjun stands just near the staircase, behind the wall.</p><p> </p><p>The conversation comes in bits and pieces though Renjun connects the dots relatively fast, based on their tone of voice. “We can FaceTime and I’ll come back to visit every once in a while. C’mon, Mark.”</p><p> </p><p>“I think… I think we should end this.” </p><p> </p><p>The silence is deafening.</p><p> </p><p>“Mark, you’re not even going to try?”</p><p> </p><p>“I already know it’s not going to work. Why should I try when we’ve been drifting apart all this time <em> anyway </em>, Yukhei?”</p><p> </p><p>Renjun’s breath hitches in his chest. <em> What? </em>They seemed perfect, everything about them seemed perfect. Yukhei loves Mark! So, what’s Mark talking about?</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Renjun can practically see the confused face Yukhei is making.</p><p> </p><p>“Cancelling on dates, taking forever to answer. You’re not putting in effort anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not—” Yukhei begins to protest but Mark is faster and interrupts him.</p><p> </p><p>“I think-I think that we need… some space.” Mark finishes. Renjun can see his figure approach the doorway. He takes this as his cue and quietly retreats down the stairs, missing the rest of the conversation but he can only assume that it didn’t end well the way they both come down the stairs moments later, smiles plastered onto their face. They’re holding hands but it doesn’t seem natural and easy. </p><p> </p><p>Renjun frowns, noticing how they break apart at every given moment and immediately cling to each other when people start to pay attention to them again. </p><p> </p><p>Here’s his opening. A second chance, if you will. But Renjun looks at his brother and knows that underneath the fake laughs and big smile, he’s hurting. Bad.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> A second chance. But at what cost? </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>7.</p><p> </p><p>With some kind of crazy luck, Renjun and Jeno commit to Cornell.</p><p> </p><p>They decide to be roommates and it all seems to work out, despite their different majors. Renjun’s Engineering Physics major makes it impossible for him to ever be in the dorm for anything other than to sleep (which he doesn’t do a lot of once he gets into the college groove) and Jeno gets on the same page, his Architecture major keeping him in Office Hours more often than not. </p><p> </p><p>Somehow, they see Mark around and when they are at their dorm, Mark frequents. He introduces them to a new friend, Kim Yerim. Sometimes when Jeno isn’t around and it’s just him and Renjun, Mark will ask about Yukhei, compare Renjun to Yukhei. <em> Is he doing well, How’s college for him?, Still sleeping with those Squishmallows? Oh wow, you hold your pen like Yukhei. Huh, I could’ve sworn that was Yukhei’s sweatshirt </em>.</p><p> </p><p>A tiny part of Renjun wishes Mark would ask about <em> his </em> day, <em> his </em> week, his <em> anything </em>. But he guesses he should start to expect less so it would stop hurting so much.</p><p> </p><p>Until the semester goes on and Mark changes.</p><p> </p><p>Renjun and Mark get closer, closer than when they were back home, before Renjun started school at Cornell. They meet up at the library and do homework until they can’t keep their eyes open. Sometimes, they’ll sit in the Commuter Center with Starbucks and talk until they have to part for class. Mark offers to pay for Renjun’s drink, Renjun denies but Mark ends up paying anyway.</p><p> </p><p>It’s nice. It’s… something. </p><p> </p><p><em> Is this what it was like? When Yukhei and Mark were starting out? </em> He shakes his head. </p><p> </p><p>This feels like betrayal. To Yukhei and to himself.</p><p> </p><p>Senior year, without Mark, was spent getting over him. He broke his brother’s heart. Yukhei moved on. </p><p> </p><p>Renjun went on dates senior year but he couldn’t help but think of Mark on every single one of them.</p><p> </p><p>Jaemin was nice, but Renjun’s mind couldn’t stop comparing him to Mark. Jaemin was on the basketball team. Mark was on the basketball team. Jaemin hates strawberry flavored sweets. Mark loves strawberry Pop Tarts, especially when they’ve been toasted.</p><p> </p><p>For every little fact Jaemin would disclose, a tiny part in the back of Renjun’s mind brought up Mark.</p><p> </p><p>For so long, Renjun had to keep Mark at arm’s length. Now that he doesn’t have to, now that he has so many more chances to just <em> tell </em>him, he can’t.</p><p> </p><p>Renjun lays in bed that night, staring at the ceiling. He wishes he were Jeno, fast asleep and dreaming about something peaceful, maybe. He can’t stop thinking about Mark and where his feelings for the older have gone.</p><p> </p><p><em> Is this what being someone’s second choice feels like </em>?</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>8.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun thinks he’s finally over Mark. The spring semester is coming to a close and he’s been making progress. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He made the Dean’s List last semester with a 3.457 GPA. Renjun’s classes this semester are definitely harder than last semester but he finds himself understanding the concepts well and is spending less time doing homework in the library and more time hanging out with Jeno and their friends. Jeno introduces Renjun to Heejin and Hyunjin one night at a townhouse party.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The four of them spend the night  hanging around each other and after that, it’s only natural for them to become a group of inseparable friends.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jeno and Renjun begin to frequent the places he once used to sit in with Mark. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they go to Starbucks, Jeno hurriedly hands the cashier his card before Renjun even has the chance to open his wallet. What was once a best friendship quickly becomes more. Where Renjun was once giddy at the thought of Mark, those thoughts slowly but surely become Jeno, in his daydreams.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But some good things have to get ruined for a moment, right?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Renjun… Will you-- Are you free Friday night?” Mark asks him. He doesn’t know what prompted the question, as neither of them were talking, simply enjoying each other’s presence in the library as they did homework. Normally, Renjun would be here with Jeno but he’d gone to Office Hours instead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun looks up, a quirked eyebrow. He’s kind of shocked and maybe a little upset, if he’s being honest with himself. “Uhm… Not really, no, I don’t think so.” Renjun lies, putting his pencil down. There’s something more to this that makes Renjun feel itchy and gross.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mark nods, licking his lips. “Oh. Because, I-I thought. I don’t know, maybe we could have gone out together or something.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun of two years ago would jump to the occasion but now, he can’t shake the feeling of suspicion. “Why are you asking me out, Mark? Are you trying to be funny?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“N-No! I just… Renjun, can I be honest?” Mark suddenly becomes serious. Renjun frowns and gesticulates for him to continue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mark breathes out before going on. “I know you like me. That you’ve liked me ever since Yukhei and I started dating, maybe even before that. But… We’re broken up and I’m over him now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun grimaces. “What.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I probably shouldn’t have let you know that </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>know like this but--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, Mark?” Renjun interrupts him, tone incredulous.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun shakes his head, pushes his seat back and begins to pack his things hurriedly. “No,” He whispers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He frowns deeply. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>No</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Mark. I will </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> be the person you settle for because Yukhei isn’t here anymore. I won’t, not when I’ve spent the entire time I’ve known you, </span>
  <em>
    <span>loving </span>
  </em>
  <span>you!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mark is clearly shocked at Renjun’s blunt confession. “Isn’t this what you wanted?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun runs a hand across his face. “Two years ago, yes but not… not anymore? You thought I was going to </span>
  <em>
    <span>wait </span>
  </em>
  <span>for you to break up with my brother and come crawling to you? After </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> were the one to break his heart?” Renjun chuckles, his head dropping for a second. “You should have gone to college to become a comedian, Mark Lee.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Was it all a lie then?” Mark asks, stopping Renjun before he could walk off.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun looks at Mark, searches his face. The butterflies, the increased heartbeat, the shaky knees. It’s all gone when he makes eye contact with him. “It wasn’t a lie, Mark. I really did love you but that’s in the past. And, do you know what?” He decides to add on, before leaving.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun takes Mark’s silence as a segue. “I think you don’t actually like me. I think you like the idea of me and that you miss Yukhei. I’m here and I remind you of him. You want him back but he’s out of your reach so you’re settling for the next best. Quite frankly, I don’t deserve to be treated like that, like-like some leftovers you forgot you had and are finally deciding to eat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The analogy could’ve been a little better but Renjun thinks it gets his point across. “I hope you can respect that I don’t like you like that anymore, Mark.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You love me in a way you don’t understand and I can’t love you the way you want me to. That’s never going to change and I’m sorry for that. But I hope that you can respect yourself enough that you try not to go back to my brother because he deserves </span>
  <em>
    <span>so much</span>
  </em>
  <span> more than you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘And so do I’</span>
  </em>
  <span> goes unspoken but it’s in the air. It seems like a bit much but Renjun doesn’t care. He turns and leaves the library, feeling like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he gets back to the dorm, he finds Jeno on his bed with his laptop on his chest, glasses perched on his nose slipping down slowly. He smiles at the sight and places the distractions on Jeno’s desk, accidentally waking Jeno up in the process.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shit, I didn’t realize I fell asleep,” He groans, voice groggy. “No, you should sleep.” Renjun insists, trying to stop Jeno from reaching for his laptop. “I really can’t, Jun, this model is due at midnight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, well then let’s make a promise. We’ll wake up in two hours and that should give you five hours to work on the model. Is that enough?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jeno pursues his lips in thought. He sighs and pouts, “I mean, </span>
  <em>
    <span>yes</span>
  </em>
  <span> but what if--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No what ifs! Just sleep!” Renjun demands, turning the light off after changing into comfortable clothes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jeno shifts and opens the blanket for Renjun to slip under. “Thanks for taking care of me,” He mutters, pressing a kiss to the back of Renjun’s neck. He shivers, but it’s the good kind, he knows. “‘Course.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In a matter of minutes Jeno is asleep again, his breathing evened out. Renjun lies there, not tired enough to nap, but only to make sure Jeno did. He thinks about his previous conversation with Mark and remembers the New Year’s party. Jeno asked Renjun to dance, kissed the top of his head. Ever since that night, Renjun remembers Jeno doing anything and everything to get closer to him, even closer than they had already been but at that time, Renjun was too caught up on Mark. So focused on Mark that he wasn’t seeing that there was someone much better right in front of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Renjun supposes that’s how love works. Falling in love is easy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But falling out of it?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That’s the hard part.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>in the future, noren get together, lumark don't get back together but they are on good terms!! </p><p>
  <a href="http://www.twitter.com/lcvemarket">twitter</a>
</p></blockquote></div></div>
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